So soon?

cw: top surgery, dysphoria, animal death

The most miraculous thing happened the other day.

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Introduction

(TW: mental illness/depression, dysphoria)

I suppose my first blog post should be inspirational or something, but I’m actually in a very strange place mentally right now. Post college, as I’ve described it to many people, is like limbo. It seems endless, all consuming, threatening. What is my purpose again, my dreams? Everything seems so goddamn far away and I feel as though my body and mind are rotting into my desk chair. I’ve gained weight and I’m not moving a lot during the day, there’s just nothing to do. I know I should look at internships or even an odd job, but in seven weeks I’m going to Canada for the second time to be with my partner for a few weeks. On top of that, I have no idea if/when my top surgery will happen, if my insurance deems it medically necessary enough for them to cover some of it (I’ve submitted it via my surgeon and I’m currently waiting to hear back). What’s the point of trying to look for commitments if I’m going to be out of commission for 5+ weeks of the next few months?

I feel like everything important to me I’m just waiting on, waiting, waiting… And in the mean time I’m pacing and trying to find uses for myself. I planted some tomatoes that I have to water every day, so that’s one thing. I’m scooping out the pool religiously, which my dad is thankful for. I redid my entire room out of sheer boredom, painting over my obnoxious childhood cloud walls to make it more adult. It looks nice, for once, if the carpets weren’t stained. I feel trapped in this room, but hey, at least I made it look nice. It’s hard, not being able to drive, but my dissociating is so bad lately and a constant reminder that I shouldn’t put myself in that kind of danger. And so I’m reliant on my parents for getting around, like I’m thirteen years old again. I know they mind, but there’s nothing I can really do about it. I feel disgusted in myself that I’m too weak to learn.

I also only have 3 more days with my cat. She’s being targeted by the other cats in the house, among other reasons, she needs a better home than this. The humane society is going to take her, hopefully, but I keep holding in my feelings of guilt and shame, like I wasn’t good enough as her owner.

I feel trapped within myself with overwhelming conflicting feelings of wanting to do something, anything, and not wanting to do anything at all. It’s painful and I’m fighting back the crushing weight of worthlessness and hopelessness. Keep having these thoughts, especially about being trans, like why am I doing this? I’ll always be unhappy with myself. My dreams are so far away, there’s no point. Hopefully it’ll get better soon, I’m holding out for it. My partner is, extremely supportive to say the least, and I don’t think I would be able to handle my current situation without their words of encouragement. I keep having fantasies of running away to Canada to live with them, to build the life that I want, even if it’s slow, but I know that’s foolish and unreasonable. Maybe one day it won’t be.

I’ll be posting a lot about my transition on this blog, as well as my life changing, I feel like it might help to document what’s going on, even if no one hears me.