Dragging My Feet

CW: Depression, hormones, dysphoria and self image, weight mention

I apologize for not updating for a month and a half, it’s honestly because of depression and frustration at my current living situation. I’m making many efforts to keep myself going, though.

My trip to Canada was nice, it was like coming home. Going to Anime North was tremendously fun, even the stress leading up to it felt like a team effort. Being at such an event with my girlfriend, with a significant other, it was like a giant date, I loved it. We also went to the waterfront together and everything felt destined, perfect, like a movie. Especially with the weight (both emotionally and physically) of my breasts gone, it felt like I could truly enjoy existing with them. I still got misgendered literally everywhere I went, but Connie explained that it’s not because I don’t look masculine enough, that it’s because I look very butch, that masculine women exist. I suppose that helps logically, but it still feels like a slap to the face when I’m called a lady. One night we went out and I was called ‘buddy’ by a guy and I’d like to count that as being correctly gendered, though!

Feeling domestic with my partner is something that I’m still getting used to, but enjoy immensely. I can totally see our dynamic working together, coexisting, giving each other strength, when we end up living together.

Coming back, I sank into a depression that I’m still trying to shake off. It wasn’t as bad as the first time I left Canada, which felt panicked and hopeless, this one feeling more melancholy and frustrated at our situation. My girlfriend is going to live in Japan for at least a year, very soon, and although I know it’s going to be amazing for them, it still feels heavy knowing there’ll be a greater distance and time exchange.

So I suppose it’s time to throw myself into things, to keep myself busy. It’s hard, though, seasonal depression hitting really hard for me seeing as how it’s gotten up to 120 degrees already. Two of my tomato plants died from the heat wave. I find myself not wanting to do anything, feeling heavy and sluggish, uncomfortable. Even hanging out with friends, it feels like I’m dragging my feet along, feeling tired even though I’m not, getting irritated at irrational things. I’m trying desperately to remember the big picture, that I won’t always live like this, I won’t always look like this. I’m still pushing. I know a large part of it is having gained a lot of weight, as I’ve said in previous blog posts. It is so hard to live in this house and want to eat better, it really is. My family is generally pretty enabling of poor eating habits, not that I blame them, but I’m trying to cook more and eat more veggies. I know I shouldn’t complain after all I’ve already done, but I can’t help being frustrated that I can’t exercise heavily just yet. It’s too hot to walk anywhere during the day, too dangerous to walk anywhere at night by myself, my surgery prevents me from doing anything other than mild aerobics, and the treadmill we own is currently inaccessible until later this month. I’ve gotten so frustrated, both with my housemates and with my own depression, that I’ve started swimming every day, but I’ve already strained my chest.

On the bright side, I found an endocrinologist to prescribe me hormones. He told me I needed medical records, blood tests, confirmation from my psychiatrist and a licensed therapist, which I have all of. I got approval from my gender therapist and got all the documents I needed together from my PCP and sent them his way this week. Now, I suppose, it’s just time to wait. The closer this gets the more scared I become, the more I question if I’m doing the right thing with my body. Getting my breasts off has already been the best decision I’ve made for myself and envisioning what I could look like in the long run gets me excited. The only disconnect is when I look at other men and go ‘am I one of them?’. No, I don’t feel any kinship with men (yet?), only nonbinary and other trans men. I don’t know what that means, but Connie keeps reminding me there’s so many ways of being a man, that I’ll find my way. I trust them and I’m trying to trust myself.

Maybe my parents will finally use male pronouns.

Once I start testosterone, I’m going to try very hard to lose weight, because I get so much dysphoria from my fatness as well, as well as depression. I don’t care if I stay chubby the rest of my life, but I feel very hindered by my own obesity. I want to be comfortable in my skin and if I can lose weight and gain muscle, get healthier, I know I will be able to love myself more. My ultimate goal is to feel confident enough after I transition to go swimming in the ocean without a shirt on. I feel like that’s a reasonable goal. I also want to get a belly button piercing, maybe? Who knows.

I updated my resume on top of all of this as well, knowing I need to get a job or an internship somewhere if I’m going to survive the summer. I’ve only submitted it one place so far, at a mental health clinic a block from my house. It’s conveniently placed and they’re looking for behavioral health techs, of which I think I am qualified to do. I sent in my resume a week ago with the paperwork they give out and I haven’t heard back, but I’m remaining hopeful. I’ve tried calling them but they always end up sending me to an answering machine, but I’m going to actually leave a message tomorrow. If they don’t get back to me I’ll march myself down there and ask them in person. I really want this job. I want to start the track to my career.

I’m trying so hard to be optimistic about everything. I know this shit is temporary, that my body is my own to change and grow, but it’s hard to not feel like everything is so concrete. For right now, it just feels like I’m dragging my feet.

P.S. I’ll be writing about a few different topics I’ve been wanting to get off my chest (haha), I will definitely be updating on the testosterone thing though.


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