CW: Post-Op pictures, surgery, dysphoria
Drawn the night before surgery, a prayer for the future.
The drains aren’t out yet, chest still has more to do, but the doc said it looks great and I fully agree, I can’t believe it.
One week post op.
The left nipple is completely pink and the right is getting there, it’s incredible, I’m so relieved!! The drains will be in for another few days, but I think it’ll be worth it. My tattoo got cut off ever so slightly, but that’s obviously well worth it. The purple in the middle is just marker, too. I’m not even taking painkillers anymore either.
I honestly believe this is going to change my life drastically. I feel, now, that I am beginning to allow myself to love my body, that I have suddenly been granted permission to in my own head. I didn’t realize how horrible dysphoria has shaped the self hatred I have for my body. I feel so light, and not just physically, like I can and should stand up straight. It’s made me realize that the times that I’ve felt confident with myself are also the times I’ve felt the most masculine. And now, I feel the desire to take care of myself more, to eat better, to exercise and get fit, all for me alone. It’s the first time I can remember feeling this way – all other motivation to exercise or diet was out of shame, guilt, dysphoria (I have very wide hips and a round face), and a sense that I would not be accepted or loved if I continued looking like this. Now, it almost feels like my body is something worth treasuring and investing in. The nurse said not to start working out until at least a month and a half, but I already feel the need to get started!!
Unlike the last appointment, my dad stayed this time. He looked at my chest and we were grinning at each other and laughing, it was amazing. I know he still has reservations about even trying to see my body as anything but female, but this was a huge relief for me. Later, in the car, he asked if I “got stares”. I know what he means, but I haven’t even been out in public again for very long, and also, why would they stare? Because I am so unmistakably androgynous now? I assured him there’ll be a time when I won’t “look trans” as he so eloquently put it, that I’ll look cis. I don’t think he believes it, but he’ll have to eventually.
Recovering has been hard, but I can feel with my entire body that this will be worth all the restless nights and careful steps.